Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

I could run a victory lap here, but instead I’ll just issue my predictions for Super Bowl XLVI (that’s 46, in case you didn’t win your high school’s Latin award, like a boss).

On Sunday, Feb 5, 2012, the New York Giants and the New England Patriots will face off again in an epic grudge match. As you might know, the Giants emasculated the favored Patriots during an incredible 4th quarter comeback back in Super Bowl XLII (42). With the Pats sitting on a regular season record of 13-3, they are again favored over the Giants who struggled to make the NFC playoffs at 9-7.

With their symbolic home team status at Indianapolis, the Patriots aren’t leaving anything up to chance this year, not even the color of their game jerseys. During Super Bowl XLII, the Patriots were clad in blue, as the then home team, while the Giants wore white. Let it be known, however, that since 2007, the Giants have been undefeated in white jerseys during playoff games (4-0). Surely the Pats will be having a strategic meeting to discuss the merit of wearing their traditional blue home team jerseys.

In injury news, New York is very fortunate to be operating at near full strength. Only 5 players reported for limited practice, Wednesday, RB Ahmad Bradshaw (foot), WR Hakeem Nicks (shoulder), DE Osi Umenyiora (ankle/knee), CB Corey Webster (hamstring) and a rookie LB no one cares about. We’ll probably see all 5 play at some point during the big game.

On the other hand, New England hasn’t been treated as kindly, this season. Ten players were limited due to injuries during team practice on Feb 1, including WR Wes Welker and S Patrick Chung. But the real story is whether or not golden boy TE Rob Gronkowski will be able to carry the team on his back as he has for so many games this year. Gronkowski reportedly did not participate during Wednesday’s practice, nor has he done so since the AFC Championship game 2 weeks ago, during which he suffered a high ankle sprain. Gronkowski told reporters that he will be making the decision to play pregame, Super Bowl Sunday. Undoubtedly if he decides to play, he’ll be hopped up on all manner of opiates, barbiturates and every other painkiller under the Sun.

And so, predictions for Super Bowl XLVI are as follows:
1. Millions of viewers tune it to watch ironically and/or “just to watch the commercials.”

2. Commercial featuring talking animal airs, referenced for many months by people who have nothing interesting to say.

3. Super Bowl known as Chicken Genocide Day among chickens, as roughly 1.25 billion wings will be devoured by viewers who say, “I’m not really hungry, I just want to eat.”

4. Tom Brady cries like a girl.

5. Tom Coughlin looks like he’s taking an extremely angry poop.

6. Giants – 27, Patriots 24.


2012 Winter X Games

Posted: January 29, 2012 by pleonasty in Sports
Tags: , ,

The 2012 Winter X Games came to a close today, and, as predicted, no one even knew it was on. If you can believe it, the ‘X’ in X Games means the sports in which the athletes compete are extreme. To that end, both the Summer and Winter X Games feature a multitude of adrenaline pumping, motor revving, energy drink drinking activities that challenge competitors and viewers alike to stick it out. This year Shaun White (USA), Torah Bright (AUS) and Halldor Helgason (ISL) are among the many names that no one has ever heard of. With the Women’s Figure Skating National Championships and Novak Djokovic’s striptease to focus on, it’s no surprise that the interest in the X Games has been X-hausted. That’s right, folks, we’re doing extreme puns now.

On a serious note, this year a good deal more attention has been paid to this year’s Winter X Games due to the death of Canadian skier and X Games multi-gold medal winner, Sarah Burke. While training in Utah, Burke fell and hit her head and went into cardiac arrest on the slopes. She was airlifted to a hospital where, on January 19th, she was overcome by her injuries and passed away. Unfortunately, her life insurance policy did not cover this particular event. In order to cover the massive hospital bills accrued during her 9 day stay at the University of Utah Hospital, Burke’s family opened a website to accept donations from her fans and concerned onlookers. Burke was instrumental in the addition of the superpipe skiing event to the 2014 Winter Olympics roster. At the very least, her legacy will live on.